AS I STAND LOOKING OVER THIS BALCONY

-Toluwalase Amuni

"Chasing you like a shadow are the anxieties within that bind. Face the light, anxiety is behind."

AS I STAND LOOKING OVER THIS BALCONY, I STARE AT

THE LIGHTS IN FASCINATION.

IT'S LATE, YET SO MANY

PEOPLE ARE AWAKE. I STARE AT THE SKY, NOT A STAR IN

SIGHT. I GUESS THE MOON IS MAD, SO THE SKY IS STARK.

I WANT TO SMILE YET I CAN'T. I WANT TO SMILE AT THE

SKY BECAUSE WE ARE SO ALIKE- NOT A LIGHT IN SIGHT.

BUT I CAN'T, BECAUSE I FEEL SO EMPTY.

I'M JEALOUS OF THESE PEOPLE WHO STILL HAVE THE

LIGHT TO GO ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS. I STARE AT THEM in WONDER AND WANDER HOW

THEY DO IT. HOW DO THEY

KEEP GOING? HOW DO THEY KEEP THE LIGHT BURNING? I

TRY TO REMEMBER HOW IT FELT TO HAVE A LIGHT BUT I

CAN'T. I TRY TO REMEMBER A TIME WHERE I FELT LIKE I

COULD DO SOMETHING. BE SOMEBODY. NOW THE ONLY

QUESTION I ASK IS 'IS IT WORTH IT TO BE SOMEBODY?'

I TRY TO REMEMBER A TIME WHERE I FELT SOMETHING. IT

IS NAUGHT BUT DUST... AN OLD DUSTY MEMORY.

IT'S THIS MEMORY THIS FAINT DUSTY MEMORY THAT

GIVES ME THE STRENGTH AND THE COURAGE TO GET OUT

OF BED EACH MORNING AND JUST BREATHE. BUT THE

MEMORY IS FADING. LIKE THE SETTING SUN IT IS

GRADUALLY FADING AWAY, ONLY WITH NO HOPE OF

RISING AGAIN.

AS I STAND, LOOKING OVER THE BALCONY I NOTICE THE

CHILDREN. SO CAREFREE, AND I TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT

IT FELT LIKE TO BE A CHILD, TO BELIEVE THAT MUM AND

DAD WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. THERE TO KISS

AWAY THE HURT AND SADNESS, THERE TO CHASE Away THE BAD INFLUENCES AND THE

BAD THOUGHTS. I TRY TO

REMEMBER HOW IT FELT LIKE TO THINK MOM AND DAD

WERE PERFECT. THAT THEY HAD ALL THE ANSWERS. BUT

ALAS I CANNOT. THE MEMORIES ARE LIKE THE MORNING

DEW, WE DO NOT SEE AS IT HAPPENS, WE DO NOT KNOW

WHEN IT WILL APPEAR AND WE CANNOT TELL WHEN IT WILL

DISAPPEAR. TRY TO REMEMBER A TIME WHERE I FELT

SOMETHING.

AS I STAND LOOKING OVER THE BALCONY, I SEE THESE

MEN AND WOMEN BUBBLING WITH SO MUCH HOPE FOR

THE FUTURE. WORKING HARD, DOING THE BEST THAT THEY

CAN. HOPING THAT ONE DAY THEY WILL ACHIEVE THOSE

DREAMS... I SEE THESE YOUNG PEOPLE EXPERIENCING LIFE

WITH SO MUCH VIGOUR AND VITALITY BELIEVING THAT

THEY CAN CHANGE THE WORLD. I DON'T KNOW IF THERE IS

MORE TO LIFE, ALL I KNOW IS THAT HOPE IS NOTHING. IT'S

A FEELING, AN EMOTION THAT KEEPS YOU GUESSING, ON

YOUR TOES BUT NEVER REALLY DELIVERS. IT IS A LIAR

THAT MAKES YOU KEEP WANTING THE MOST ELUSIVE

THINGS, A DECEIVER THAT TELLS YOU THAT PEOPLE CAN

CHANGE. THAT THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE

TUNNEL.

AS I STAND LOOKING OVER THE BALCONY, I WONDER

HOW I WOULD FEEL IF I SAT ON THE RAILING AND JUST LET

GO. I WONDER HOW I WOULD FEEL IF I JUST LET THE WIND

TAKE ME. I WONDER IF I WOULD FEEL EXHILARATED,

WITH

THE WIND CARRYING ME... CARRYING ME TO A PLACE

WHERE I CAN FINALLY FEEL.

Poem courtesy- my friend, Toluwalase Amuni